My Friend Drowns

           Around 1965-66 Livingston built a city reservoir to supply the city with drinking water. Before this time they had been pumping water from a cave and wells. Donald and I would climb the fence to explore the cave. It was fun exploring. I was living the life of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn.

            I was also hanging out with Charles and would stay with him sometime. Charles was younger than I, and I was never in the same school as he. I knew him from Church where he attended with Mother and older sister, Genevieve. Genevieve was older enough to drive, so this was our transportation sometime. Charles’s dad was an alcoholic that was in and out of jail. Even though I was friend with Charles and Donald and they both went to the same church that my dad has founded, they never associated with each other. For one thing there was a big age difference; Donald was a couple of years older that I and Charles a couple of years younger. The other thing that kelp them from being friend was that Donald was the popular kid in school, and Charles was an unpopular kid. My time spent with each was separate.

            Charles and I with another kid that I can’t remember his name would go swimming in some different lakes around Livingston. We would swim across the lakes with Charles, who wasn’t a strong swimmer would follow with a tube to give us a safety net. After the city lake was completed, it provided us a larger lake to swim, even though swimming wasn’t allowed in it because it provided the drinking water for Livingston. But that never stopped us. Charles would only get about half way across with the tube while we would reach the opposite side. We would start back and catch up with him before he made it back. We did this every time we went swimming.

            On one occasion Genevieve came by with Charles and his friend on their way to the lake to invite me to go with them. I was busy with Donald, so I declined the invitation. They went to the lake without me. Genevieve didn’t swim and had gone to sunbath while the boys swim. They were making the usual journey across the lake when something went wrong, our friend went down and Charles was too far from him to help. Later that afternoon Genevieve and Charles came by to tell me what happened.

            The next evening Debbie and I went by the funeral home to see him. It was unbelievable that he was gone. I felt that if I had gone with them that this wouldn’t have happened. I was a strong swimmer, but he was better than I. I don’t know what happened!    

Birdie

            Donald and I would hang out at a couple of gas stations at night. We had a friend that worked the late shift so we would go and hang out with him at night. During the night there was little activity, a few people stopping by to get gas. To get gas, you pulled up to the pumps and the gas station attendant would go out and pump the gas for you. No one pumped there own gas, and you didn’t get out unless you were using the rest room, or buy a snack. The gas stations carried a few snacks and cold drinks.

            Often late at night we would use the car lift to work on Donald’s car. It made it convenient to lift the car to change the oil or work on the car. Our friend enjoyed having company while he worked late at night by himself, and we would run errands for food. Often I would nap in the car or on a sofa that was in the station. In cold weather this provided a place to be out of the cold at night.

            In the day time the station had an attendant that went by the nickname “Birdie”, after Tweedy Bird the cartoon character. He was called this because he had a very large head. He was known around town because his looks and he did odd jobs for people. During this time, men would hang out at the court house picking up day work from people. Birdie and another character would hang out at the court house to escort couples that had driven down from Kentucky or Ohio to get married. In Livingston you had no wait period and you could get married at a younger age. These guys would take you through the process, getting your license, VD test, and someone to marry you. You could come to Livingston and in a few hours go home married. The guys charged a fee for their time.

            Birdie worked at the gas station in the afternoons after anyone looking to get married where finish with his duties. He would sleep in a back room after his work hours where finished. On one such night, a gas leak exploded and burned the station. Birdie survived the fire, but was burned and left scared. Afterwards he was unable to work. The town collected money to help him, but he wasn’t seen hanging out at the court house after that.     

My First Car

I’m sixteen and hitchhiking from McMinnville to Livingston every weekend to see Debbie.  I would get out of class at Central High School at 3:00 and hit the road. My hitchhiking was always adventurous, and not usually in a good way. The fifty five mile trip would usually consist of several rides and lots of walking. The police in all the towns from McMinnville to Livingston recognized me and would detain me if they saw me. I often would spend a day of weekend in jail just because they could. Occasionally two or three rides would take me the distance. More often, it would take a lot of short rides and long walks to make the trip. On one such trip, I had walked from school to Gillentines, a small restaurant at the edge of town, a walk of about three mile, when a guy from the Automotive School picked me up.  He lived in Livingston and drove the trip between Livingston and McMinnville everyday to go to school. We made arrangements for me to ride with him to and from Livingston. It also meant that I would stay in Livingston on Sunday nights and ride with him on Monday mornings. It was a perfect arrangement for me.

He drove a gray fifty two Chevy two door sedan. He had the body in show condition with a beautiful shiny charcoal gray paint. He had totally restored the car. He had rebuilt the motor, drive train, breaks, and front end. It was his project in school, but he was a man with a plan. He was getting out of Livingston and going to Detroit to work in the automotive plants. He finished school and got that job with General Motors. I was sadden that I was losing my ride, but I also had got to know him and had gained a lot of respect for his kindness and his ambition, and I was going to miss the time together.

I was working the weekend at Ms. McKnight’s laundry mat in Livingston. Ms. McKnight was a retired nurse from Murfreesboro. She had bought a laundry mat in Livingston. She would come in on Fridays and leave on Sunday Afternoon. She had a back room that I could stay in when she wasn’t there. I would spend my Sunday night in the back room, and this is where I would meet my ride on Monday morning. I would work on any machines that needed repaired on Saturday and Sunday. Between this and other odd jobs, I had saved some money and I was doing okay.

His last day of school was soon there and we were making the final trip to Livingston together. He was finished in McMinnville and would be leaving for his new job with General Motors. He surprised me with saying that he would like to sell the car to me. He was buying a new car with his General Motors discount. It was beyond belief that I would get this car. I had been so dreading losing this ride and going back to hitchhiking. I had ridden with him for a year and had grown use to the security. I also was becoming increasing sick with a tumor and wasn’t sure that I could endure the cold weather. I had not anticipated getting this car. The next day was a Saturday; he came by the laundry mat to sell me the car. He had cleaned and waxed the car. He ash me how much money did I have and I told him two hundred twenty five dollars. He said that is what he would sell the car for. I knew that he was doing me a big favor, because he could have sold it for much more.  I couldn’t believe my luck as I slide in behind the wheel for the first time. Not only was it a beautiful car, but it was a security for me.

No other car has been as exciting to own as this first car, not only because of the car, or that it was the first, but because of the kindness that this person shown in making it possible for me to have it.  When I look back on the years that I was alone and struggling to get by, I realize that I got by as well as I did because of the help of people around me, people that quietly gave me a hand without reveling to me that they were giving me a helping hand.

     

Sparta

            I moved in with Jimmy and Linda in Sparta. It was time for school to start, so I enrolled in White County High School. I had changed schools so often in my life that I knew how to make it work, but I never made any close friends here. I was still going to Livingston to see Debbie, and to McMinnville to see friends. It wasn’t long before I decided that I wanted to change schools, so I transferred to McMinnville. My hitching was becoming a problem for me. Livingston Police had started picking me up anytime that they saw me and putting me in jail. Cookeville, Algood, and Sparta were doing the same. I had got where I had to take back roads to avoid the police. Often I would walk several miles to get out of town before I would try to catch a ride. I also had several incidents with rides; drunks, and people that wanted to hurt me.

Nashville

            During my High School years I spent very little time at home. In my freshman year Daddy and Mama left me with Joann and Joe. I moved back home when we went to Livingston for my sophomore year, and I spent most of the nine months during school at home. It was during this time that Daddy got sick, and we moved back to Campaign. I never spent much time at home after that.

             In the summer between my sophomore and junior year Jimmy was living in Nashville. In Nashville he rented a trailer from a lady that owned a big hotel. It reminded me of the Bates Motel in the Hitchcock movie. She was looking for someone to work on the grounds, so I went to Nashville to work for her after I completed my sophomore year at Livingston. She furnished me a room with a private entrance. She cared for her mother that was bedridden. I worked during the day, and would walk over to Woodbine to visit friends at night, or walk to down town Nashville to hang out.

             The hotel was located on a hill above the state fair grounds. There were stock car races and other events going on at the grounds regularly. We would charge parking at the hotel for the events. I enjoyed Nashville when there was something to do, but often I was along. Jimmy and Linda moved back to Sparta, while I stayed in Nashville. I am not sure if the rest of the family knew that I was living in Nashville along. I wasn’t communicating with anyone at the time. I didn’t have access to a phone that I could use to call, and they didn’t have anyway to call me.  Besides, I didn’t have anything to say if I had called.

             One evening after work, I showered and started walking to Woodbine to see friends, and on the way got lost. It was a long walk, and even though I had been before, I was not real familiar with where I was going. I had left well before dark, but it was now getting dark. I decided that I had better turn around and go home. The Nashville streets can be difficult to learn, and I didn’t know many of the streets. I was lost and didn’t know how to get back.

             After a couple of more hours, I wasn’t any closer to finding my way when a car stopped and ask if I wanted a ride. I told the guy where I was going, and he said that he would take me there. When we got to an area that I recognized, we were going the wrong direction and headed out of the city. I told the man that I wanted out and he wouldn’t stop. He would time his speed as to catch the green lights so that he didn’t have to stop for them. I carried a guitar capo in my pocket that I could use like brass knuckles, so I slipped it on my hand, and waited for my chance to escape. As we approached a light, he had to slow down while the traffic in front of him started moving through the light after it had turned green. He wasn’t going to stop, but he had got slow enough that I made my move. I hit him beside the head as hard I as could with the capo in my fist. It knocked him aside, and I jumped out of the car into traffic. He was nothing he could do but go, and that is what he did. He went through the light and turned around to come back after me. I ran for all I was worth. I was on the Murfreesboro Road, so I knew how to get back to the hotel, but it was a long walk back, but I was not going to take another ride tonight. I watch for him as I walked back to the hotel. The shy was getting light as I made it back. I had been gone for twelve hours, and had been walking most of that time. I was beat, so I went to bed and slept all day.

             That evening I packed my bag, quit my job, and headed to Sparta. It was dark by the time I got on the road. I soon got a ride with a truck driver that took me all the way to Sparta. I was after midnight when I got to Sparta, where I walked the couple of miles to his house. He wasn’t home, so I walked another couple of miles to the Sparta hospital, and slept in the waiting room.

Cold Night and Empty House

             My freedom of moving between home, Joann, Jimmy, Billy, and Livingston continued. I would leave on Fridays after school and hitch hike to Livingston. I would go to see Debbie at Livingston Academy High School. I knew the school because I had attended it as a sophomore, so I would walk right in and make myself at home. Debbie and I would make plans on how we were going to do. I didn’t have transportation so that presented a problem. Often Debbie would go to her best friend Diane’s house, so I could go there to be with her. I would leave when they went to bed, which was usually late,

             I didn’t have anywhere to go when I left. Sometimes I would find Donald. If I didn’t find Donald, then I would find a place to sleep. I had several choices. One was one in my friend’s family rental houses that were empty. I would walk the couple of miles to one of those. They never knew I was sleeping in their houses. If they had, they wouldn't have cared, but would have been upset that I didn’t come and stay with them.

           The houses were never locked, so I could go right in. There was no electric or heat on in the houses. I would huddle in the corner of a room in the dark with my knees pulled up under my chin. This way I could have my legs under my coat to keep warm. This is the way I would sleep. Sleep was often hard to find. I was sick and cold. I thought that I might me found dead in their house when they were showing it to rent. I would eventually fall to sleep from being weak and exhausted. Once I was asleep, I was out, dead to the world. I would wake up cold and stiff.

            At this time in my illness, my breathing was becoming much labored. When I did go home, Mama would check to see is I was still alive if she couldn’t hear me breathing. My breathing had become so loud that it could be heard in the next room.

            My energy level was getting poor. When I was home I would sleep for more that twenty four hours. I was not eating much, I had lost my appetite, and I often had limited access to food. By the time I turned seventeen, I was under a hundred pounds. I was sleeping a lot at school. In study hall I would be asleep within five minutes of going to class. The teacher was understanding and wouldn’t let anyone wake me. Everyone knew I was sick, and we had just lost a class mate to a brain tumor. The teachers would get on to her for having a headache, they though she was faking it. She stop coming to class and died shortly afterwards. So when I got sick, I was treated well at school. It didn’t hurt that I never complained, and my illness was showing up physical.

Campaign

            Our move back to Campaign was bittersweet. I was glad to be back where I had spent many of my younger years, but the reason for being back was not good. Daddy was in bad shape and I was sick also. However, at this time I had not shared it with anyone. I knew that I had a tumor, and my self diagnosis was that it was cancer. I was reading everything that I could find on cancer and I knew that it was a real possibility. The other problem was that we had just lost our income, so buying food was a problem, seeing a doctor was certainly out in my mind.

            I had also left friends in Livingston, including my girl friend. All this combined with the independence I had gained from being away from Daddy and Mama was real upsetting. I had always clashed with Mama and now she was the one telling me what to do, and doing so without Daddy being able to back her. It wasn’t going to work.

 

            Mama was going to control those around her, and I was not going to be the one she conquered. I had always been the one that she would take her anger out on. I would be punished for things that she knew that I hadn’t done. I developed a strong opposition against all injustices. I also had a high tolerance for pain, so she couldn’t beat me into submission. I would stand and take it and not cry. This would only make her madder and she would beat me more.

            I also was the one that was expected to do all the work. I would get up at four AM to feed the cattle and milk two cows. By the time I was finished and come in the house, the rest of the family would be finishing breakfast. I wouldn’t have time to eat before I got ready for school. Jerry was twenty months younger than I, and always too young to help; although I had been milking for years.

            I didn’t realize it so much at the time, but I was getting a lot of anger built up inside me. It was on a Friday that I had hitch hiked home from school, the school bus took too long getting to Campaign from McMinnville, and I wanted to get chores done and go to Livingston to see Debbie. After feeding the cattle and milking the cows, I informed Mama that I was going to Livingston. I had a bag packed and was walking out the door. She said that I couldn’t go, that I was the one that had to do the milking. I said that I was going anyway, so she tried to hit me. I grabbed her arm and restrainer her. This was the first time any of us went against her. I walked out and headed for the highway to catch a ride.

            The main highway was about a mile and a half from the house. I used my usual mode of transportation: hitch hiking. I didn’t return home for a couple of weeks. I had stayed in Livingston for the weekend and returned to stay with Joann. No one ever brought it up, but I am sure that Mama had told them. After that I came and went when I wanted. I fell back into a pattern of staying where every. It was also the start of sleeping in the junk yards and abandon houses. This skill developed into a confidence of finding places to stay. I learned that hospital waiting rooms, all night launder mats would provide a warm place to stay. I used hospitals and launder mats in several towns including Murfreesboro and Nashville.

            During this time I was getting increasing ill. I was losing weight and my breathing had become restricted. The people around me were becoming aware that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t staying in anyone place long enough for them to get an indication of how sick I really was. I had resigned myself to not living to become an adult.

Livingston

            Our move to Livingston was exciting. It was a different place. The kids were into hotrods, Wolf Man Jack, and having fun. It had a California feel with the way the kids hung out driving their hotrods around the courthouse square. One of the most popular kids in school was Donald. He played football and drove a fast car. He also went to church where Daddy pastured, so we became friends.

            But there was one problem with Donald, he was a thief. His Mother was a single Mother working at the shirt factory and barely making ends meet, but Donald was never short of money. He was older than the rest of in school because he had spent a year in reform school. It obviously didn’t reform. It didn’t take long hanging out with him that I realized where he got his money. He didn’t do drugs or drink alcohol, but he could pull your transmission while you were in the car waiting to pick up food order at the Circle K Drive In. He knew which wrenches were needed for any make of car and could pull the transmission in five minutes in the dark. Nothing was safe around him.

            I wasn’t old enough to drive, but I got a lot of experience working on cars with Donald. We would hang out at a gas station where one of his friends worked. Here we would get people coming in for automotive work or tires. Donald would steal the parts and repair the car. I became familiar with all the junk yards and the car lots. This knowledge came in handy later when I needed places to crash for the night. By the end of my sophomore year these junk yards had become a home of sorts, particularly one large station wagon. It was in a large junk yard where no one was interested in it for parts, and I had lots of room to stretch out in the back. Other than being very lonely, it was quite comfortable.

            I had a lot of fun with Donald, we explored caves, we would run for miles, and hike through the mountains. He was always building something. Mama and Daddy weren’t too happy with me hanging out with him, but his Mother was one of the leaders in church, and they didn’t realize what was going on with him. After my time living with Joann, they never got complete control of me again. I had a high level for pain, so when they would punish me, (beat me with a belt or switch) I would take it and do what I wanted to do anyway. I had my Mother’s stubbornness, and I wasn’t going to be conquered.  Also Daddy was getting sick during this time, and was losing control of his self. I didn’t realize it at the time, even after Mama confided in me that something was wrong with him. It wasn’t long after that that it became apparent that something was going wrong.

            Mama never drove a car, and I was too young to get a license. Daddy’s driving was becoming dangerous. I started sitting next to him when he would drive to help him from having an accident. I was to grab the wheel or hit the brakes. This didn’t last too long before he had to give up driving altogether. He was still pasturing church, but was unable to have a sermon that made sense. The church brought in a replacement to take over and we moved back to Campaign.

Sun Bright

             After strawberry season I went to Sun Bright with my family. My time in Sun Bright was only for the summer. I had finished my freshman year at Central High School in McMinnville. I had got use to having freedom and very little supervision, so I wasn’t happy about going to Sun Bright. First it was a small place in the mountains. I didn’t like being where I couldn’t go on my own.

            Things had changed in the family dynamics. We no longer had cattle to care for, so that made things easier. We were allowed to play. Mama and Daddy were more relaxed. Jerry had made friends because he had gone to school in Sun Bright, but I didn’t know anyone.

            I had started playing music in the seventh grade by joining the school beginning band. I played trumpet in the band, but I was playing other instrument by the time I got to Sun Bright and was playing piano and guitar in church. There I met a kid that was around my age that was the best guitar player that I had ever heard. He could make a guitar talk. He would pick the strings with both hands and add rock and roll while playing gospel. I would wall to his house that was a shack real deep in the woods. He lives so far out that there was no passable road to it. His dad worked in Detroit with an automotive company, and would come home every other weekend. My friend was the oldest of ten kids with the youngest being a year old. They all played music. His dad had already bought an instrument for the baby and would hold her hands while he played.

            My time in Sun Bright was short, only a few weeks. Daddy had got reassigned to a church in Livingston. He was looking forward to going to Livingston and so were we. I went back to Campaign for a short time, but went to Livingston to start my sophomore year in school

The Start of My Time on My Own.

            I spent my high school years mostly on my own. My freshman year I stayed with my sister and her husband Joe. Daddy had got assigned to a church in Sun Bright and moved there with Mama, and my two younger brothers, Jerry, and Steve. I was fourteen years old, so it was decided that I would stay with Joann and Joe to take care of the farm animals. I was more than happy to stay and be away from Mama. Joann and I had always got along well, so I was excited about staying with her. She worked during the day, but was home at night. Joe worked away and was only home on the weekend. He was a person that you didn’t cross, so I was glad that he was away. Joann didn’t boss me. This arrangement gave me lot of freedom, and for the first time I could be like other kids at school and attend school events and hang out with friends.

            My life up until this time had been very restricted. My Dad pastured church, so our life was limited to home and church. We also had lot of chores, and enjoyed little free time of our own. If we had our work done, we would stay out of sight, because if Mama or Daddy saw us not busy, they would give us job to do. This is not to say that we didn’t have a good life, because in many ways we had a very good life. But at fourteen I was really enjoying my freedom.

            My year with Joann was a happy time in my life. I was enjoying my first year in High School and the added freedom that entails. We still had a couple of milk cows, pigs, chickens, and strawberry fields. I was the only one to do all the work, but I also made money from them. As children we never had any money of our own, so I felt that I had suddenly gained a better financial status. For the first time, I was able to go out with friends to the movies, Dairy Queen, and School Football games. I was too young to drive, so I hitched hiked wherever I wanted to go. Hitch hiking became my mode of transportation for the next three years.

            During this time of limited supervision, I would stay with my older brothers Billy or Jimmy. Joann lived in Daddy and Mama’s house in Campaign, while Billy lived in McMinnville, and Jimmy in Sparta. I attended High School in McMinnville, so I would stay with him on weekends. I didn’t like to be around Joe, as he was short tempered and would knock Joann around. Billy was making hand tooled leather belts and purses, so I would make money doing these with him. I enjoyed working with the leather. I often would hitch hike to Sparta and spend the weekend with Jimmy. He was always on the go, so we were likely to go to Nashville or the Carolinas for the day. This bouncing between my brothers and sister houses started a pattern that would become my life through my High School years. It also started a pattern of no one knowing where I was, even though I would tell Joann that I was going to either Billy or Jimmy’s, she never knew when I would reappear. I would return to Joann’s before Joe left for the week, so she didn’t have to stay along.

            I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was setting in motion a lot of events that would become my life for a long time. I was doing odd jobs, such as hauling hay, mowing lawns, pulling bushes, or anything else that I could do to earn money. One thing I had learned from Daddy was how to work and earn money. We had always earned our own money to buy our clothes, and lunch money. We didn’t have the option to ask him for lunch money. Often I didn’t eat lunch at school, because a lack of money. It was an embarrassment not to have the money for lunch, so I would leave school during lunch and just hang out in one of the many vacant houses in Campaign. So with my new found wealth, I became normal and was able to have lunch in the schools cafeteria. I realized that the other kids took this for granted, but not me. Also during this time, if I needed any money, Joann was good at giving me what I needed. She also was encouraging me to be involved and do things. She had grown up with the same restrictions. She wanted me to have more than what she had as a child. 

            During the school year we saw little of Daddy and Mama, but that was coming to an end with the arrival of the strawberry season. This was a busy time for all of us, and it was one of the major sources of income for Daddy. They were to come stay in Campaign during strawberry season, sell the cattle, and take me back with them afterwards. I loved strawberry season, but I didn’t want to go back with them to Sun Bright.

My Dream

I once had a dream
But I was asleep
It was in color
Maybe on a beach
Porpoise swam
And mermaids tanned
Music played
From a reggae band
White sand on my feet
The blue breeze blew
Drinks from a green glass
Shared a spiff or two
If you don’t believe
It is as I recall
Ask the Rasta mon
He saw it all
It’s my dream
So I say it’s true
As I remembered
I tell it to you
I had more to tell
Make no mistake
But it left me
When I awake

Phantoms

Whenever I think I fully
Understand mankind’s purpose on Earth,
 Just when I fully imagine
That I have seized upon the meaning of Life…..

Suddenly I see phantoms mocking me in the shadows,
Mysterious Phantoms performing a gavotte that says,
As pointedly as words, “What you know is nothing, little man;
“What you have to learn is immense.

When I think that I know my purpose in life,
Phantoms dance on my delusion, and trample what I have done.
My realization is how little I know, how little I have done.
I have not gone far, and I have much to do.

How can I escape this Phantom as life flies by?
What can appease the Phantoms that steal my sleep?
Where will I be when life’s show is over?
Can I applaud as I leave the stage of my mind?

Drop a Pebble in the Water

Drop a pebble in the water:  Just a splash and it is gone;

But there a half a hundred ripples circling on and on and on,

Spreading, spreading from the center, flowing on out to sea.

And there is no way of telling where the end is going to be.

Drop a pebble in the water:  in a minute you forget

But there’s little waves a flowing, and there’s ripples circling yet

And those little waves a flowing to a great big wave has grown;

You’ve disturbed a mighty river just by dropping in a stone.

Drop an unkind word or careless: in a minute it is gone;

But there a half a hundred ripples circling on and on and on,

Spreading, spreading, spreading from the center as they go,

And there is no way to stop them once you’ve started them to flow.

 Drop a word of cheer and kindness: just a flash and it is gone;

But there a half a hundred ripples circling on and on and on,

Bearing hope and joy and comfort on each splashing, dashing wave

Till you wouldn’t believe the volume of the one kind word you gave.

Drop a word of cheer and kindness in a minute you forget;

But there’s a gladness still a swelling, and there’s a joy circling yet,

And you’ve rolled a wave of comfort whose sweet music can be heard

Over miles and miles of water, just by dropping one kind word.

Sorry

 I am sorry for calling
You a mean crazy bitch
And for calling your mother
A mean ugly witch

And I apologize
I was a butt
For calling your dear sister
A fat stinking slut

I will even apologize to
Your alcoholic brother
Shouldn’t called him that
Meant nothing against your mother

Sure he likes to party
He enjoys a drink or two
Your sister kids’ dads
No one has a clue

But if you will come
And be home soon
You can even ride
On your mother’s broom

 Your Voices inside
what do they say?
Not to go home
Then fucking stay!

And your damn brother
hope they keep him locked up
And your sister’s VD
I hope she rots

Without you, my dear
How happy I will be
After all, your voices must agree
The only sane one here, is me.